Every once in awhile I get very, very tired. My whole life I have never been good enough, for what seems like, anyone, at least that's what they keep telling me. And they don't seem to have a problem doing that either.. What's funny is no one has ever been afraid of telling me that in no short terms. They come right out and say what they don't like about me. Could someone explain to me what has given other people the right to tell me what they think of me???

Why do I not practice the same rights?? Well I can tell you why, cause both my children are the same way. If I don't like something about someone else it is my issue to deal with. Whomever it is, they are not at fault for being themselves, ever. But if I have issues with oh lets say, the way you sit, should you be changing the way you sit, or should I be keeping what I think of that to myself. Who made my way the right way??? Just me, that's who.

This picture is of me in about 1978. See that tall skinny girl?? Well everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE had me believing that I was not pretty, that I was extremely over weight, and fat, fat, fat. That I was stupid and ugly, and that their was no hope for me at all.

The picture below is several of those people. I am on the bottom right. You know what, the day of this photo, I knew I was the fattest person there, and definitely the ugliest. My family re-enforced that before I left the state on that visit. If you think I haven't let go of that, well for the most part I have. But I am bring this up for a reason. They beat me down emotionally so hard, that to this day I fight, all the time, to believe I am OK. All it takes, especially if I a down, or ill, is one statement or comment, to take me back to being worthless.

"There is no right or wrong, but thinking makes it so". This is as true as a statement gets. Thinking... there lies the problem.. the way people think, including me ... The only reason I am right is cause I want to believe I am right. But in all honesty that doesn't make it the truth, or a fact. It might be my truth, but that doesn't make it your truth.

The picture above is me now. By all mean tired, but not ugly, or fat. But sometimes I still think about myself that way. I am always fighting the shadow enforcers that follow me around, either real or imagined. Some day's they get the better of me, and it can be quite a struggle.

So recently I was told I was to loud. HMM?? To loud for what?? I do have a large voice, and yes it carries, it is just the way it is. I don't have a lot of shame, cause I killed it cause it was doing no good. I don't carry guilt, least I try not to, cause it's just to much baggage to carry... I am too tired to carry all that crap. But that's not all I was told.

I had my inventory taken thoroughly by another person recently, and continuously. See the trick is right there, cause if I am busy looking at you, or you at me, then one of us is not taking the time to look at ourselves and change what we need to change in ourselves. Its funny cause sometimes the things we most admire in others are the same things we don't like in the same person. Like, I like how outgoing she is, and assertive, but she is to loud, whatever..


The picture above and the one below are of me and my sons. I will tell you now, they are the only people that love me as I am. Sure they are right there to point our flaws in my character, but there is a difference, though they might at times like to see me change, if I don't, I KNOW THEY STILL LOVE ME. They are there for me NO MATTER WHAT... They would not abandon me cause they thought I was less than. Or that because we are different that they are better. Mind you we all have our moments, but for the rest of our lives, well that just wouldn't happen.

You can't have a cake without the flour in it, usually.... So if you met someone.. whomever... and they said to you... I really like you... or I really love you.. BUT... you need to change... whatever... what would you honestly do?? Especially if what is being asked to change, is just who you are??

You can't love a frog, and hate it's noise, cause that's part of what makes it a frog. You can't love a porcupine and hate it's quills cause... well you know.. And you cannot love an Amy and ask her to be someone she is not. That's just how it is. Is it fair to ask someone you love to be someone other than who they are?? Cause last time I checked, love is unconditional. Once you put conditions in, it is no longer love, but a game of power and control. If you don't believe me read, "Women Who Love To Much", or any co-dependent book, or a book on emotional abuse.

I can't afford to be beaten up emotionally any more. I can't take it, it has taken it's toll. I am so far from perfect that it's not funny, but then no one else is perfect either. But I guess some people think differently. I can accept you just as you are, and if I can't then I have choices to make. Sometimes they are difficult, sometimes I have to let go. Sometimes it's a choice, me or you. But I can only take care of myself. If what you are doing is hurting me, it's me letting you hurt me, and that I can change. I will hang on as long as I can, in hopes that you will accept me.. but we all know how that goes.

At that point I have to decide what is more important, having you in my life, or...
my serenity and accepting that we maybe shouldn't be around each other. Is it to much to ask me to change?? What do you think? Would you change for me?? Maybe, but do I have a right to even ask you to do that? And if you did where would you draw the line, cause we all have a line... and that's when it starts affecting how you feel about yourself. And if you did change for me, how long would it be before you resented me??

So how do you feel about yourself?? I accept me the way I am. Am I happy being just me? You can bet your sweet ass that I am. Anyone that see's me as less than the amazing person I am probably has issues... but that's their issues not mine. I can only change me, and that is for me. So turn the mirror towards yourself, look into it and take your own inventory for a change. And if you don't see anything that needs to be changed... well then.. that would be one hell of a place to start.