I Love You... But...

Well two posts in one day.. that is a miracle in it's self, but growth requires movement and when movement happens the more posts would probably happen right??? Well today is a day of change and growth for me... and it's reminded me of things long forgotten... so whether it is painful or not the tools of the trade will surface. The things I have learned are important to me, and I like sharing them with all that choose to read them.

One of the things that just came to mind, just a few moments ago, was something I figured out a very long time ago. I am sure that some will disagree with me, but that's ok, cause I only have to live my life, not theirs. It was the 'I love you.. but..' game. I shall explain how that works, it really is quite simple. It wraps around the unconditional love syndrome.

To me there is no such thing as unconditional love, because simply love is unconditional. You either love someone or you don't. It's that simple. Once you say 'but...' it erases the I love you. It set conditions upon what are saying. You cannot love, but.... it doesn't work. If you have a child, and you say, 'I love you but you need to blah blah blah..' you have just told your child that you will love them if they only do or be whatever it is.

Love is equal to everyone. It's all the same, the only difference is how involved, and in what way you are involved with the person you are talking to. Once you say 'I love you but..' it becomes a conditional game. Oh just because you choose to have limits in your life doesn't make it wrong, or doesn't change the fact that you love a person or not. It does however make the situation different than just loving a person.

'I love you... but you need to lose weight', 'I love you but... you should wear dresses', 'I love you.. but...', well either you love someone or not. The other stuff is just that stuff. I am not going to my death bed thinking I could have loved you, or loved you better, had you cleaned your room or whatever. I will just love you, period. My love for my sons will never change no matter what they do. I may not like that they don't clean their apartment the way I would like, but I love them none the less.

So in thinking this, and why it came about, I had forgotten that No Matter What, means exactly that. It still amazes me to this day that when my husband was dying of cancer, how many women said they would have left their husbands had they been in the same situation. That profoundly amazed me. How many people would leave their mates had something happened to them, such as a car wreck, a disfigurement, an illness or whatever.

What happens when someone that is rich due to the stock market loses their money?? Does that person suddenly become worth less as a human being? A lot of women use men for their money... so who is really worth the lessor in the two?? Is it the husband who gave his all, or the woman who believes she is worth more than a poor man, but only if she has a 10 carat diamond.. which leads me to a whole other topic...

The Encircling Darkness

Well it's midnight, and I love sitting in the dark and quietness. There is a peace to the darkness that, as a child I could not have accepted. Even more, it would have frightened me. Today, it brings me solitude. It's like being enveloped in the hands of the universe, and I love it.

When I was a child you could not have convinced me for nothing that the darkness, along with many other things, was a positive event. Darkness, like so many other things, often hide mysteries. That is how my live has always been. So many things happening that I could not, and do not, understand. Forever trying to understand things, analyze things. This is very difficult to understand when you are actually in the darkness and not standing outside of it.

In 1989 I met the most truly amazing man ever. I did not expect it. Roy, my husband (who passed away 6 years after our first meeting) was the most remarkable person ever. I found in amazing that this man could love me. With some most dreadful personal and character defects ever. We knew we loved each other from the first moment. Yet I waited, day after day, for him to say to me he couldn't do it. That it was fun, but thanks a lot. But that is not what happened.

See, my faults were not what I thought they were. He saw that, he loved me just the way I was, defects and all. He taught me over time how I was actually lovable. Which I never thought I was, ever. At first this incredible guy just let me be. Then he actually encouraged me to be me. That was odd. I was going to his absolutely loving man and his families, gatherings. I kept waiting for fights to break out, after all that was what I was brought up in, but it never happened.

This continued for quite some time. When you have been brought up in a hectic lifestyle you begin to think everyone lives like that. But they don't, some people live very loving life styles. How does a person deal with happiness when they don't know what it really is? Taking risks that's how. I took the risk to find out. Sure it's scary, down right frightful at times. But part of the risk was worth it, the sad part was he died just years later, after he taught me so very much.

I think it all had a very important purpose. I think I was taught this to share with others that under estimate themselves. People who think they don't deserve true goodness. People who think they have to have chaos in their lives to feel ok. Those who feel they still need to punish themselves for something. But the truth is that all of us deserve to be loved, but we don't accept it. Many people,( I did this), push it away.

I am a normal person, who deserves to be loved. You deserve love too.... There is not a special person that deserves love, we all should be loved, and loving. Man has confused love, with their wants. I don't want a whole lot... well that's not true, I want lots of 'things'. But my serenity is not dependent upon getting any of it. My serenity is dependent on my acceptance of living life on it's terms.

So I am going to sit in the darkness, and accept what comes my way. And whatever comes I will enjoy it, and deal with it, and be ok. No Matter What.. I may not like it at first... but hey no one ever promised me a rose garden.

No Matter What

So what does 'No Matter What' really mean?? I love you no matter what... hmm... well I know what it means to me. Whether a relationship works or not, I am still going to love you. I may not be able to live with you, but I will still love you.

My very special man, Bruce is his name, and I agree on this belief. You always love those you loved. But that doesn't mean that you are willing to live in an insufferable situation because of that. Love doesn't include martyrdom inside of a couples relationship. If I love you I want you to be happy. I want to be happy too. No matter what, means to me, that you can be you, always. In fact, the you that you are is who I was attracted to in the first place isn't it? Oh I may not know all your in's and out's but love doesn't mean that we have to like everything about each other. No matter what is just that... Come what may I am by your side.

When my husband Roy was sick with Leukemia I was next to him all the way. I was surprised how many people said they couldn't have done what I did. But I don't see how a mate couldn't be next to the one they love to their last breath. I have already informed Bruce, I am here, come what may. He is the nicest guy... He is spoiling me with affection and we are just getting started, and I am doing the best I can as well.

The other thing that is great is that we can, and have, talk about anything and everything. I am not afraid to speak to him. I am just gonna be me, I don't want to be anything else. Everything about him is impressing me to no end. Oh hey I am not stupid, I know we all have faults and shortcomings. In fact I probably have more than my share, but I don't feel that when his should surface that I will want to try to change him or them. I just want to accept him the way he is, let him live his life, just like I want to live mine.

The nice thing is, I have a very special man to share my life with now. I honestly didn't think it would be arriving again in my life. So this is very exciting to me. He is handsome, intelligent, talkative, spiritual, and incredibly sexy... that always helps... Having an open mind and willing to chat is what growth is about, and that dear friends is what my life is about. Growth and change, and if anything will excel that, it is an intimate relationship. Today is a good day, and I will love you all... No Matter What...

Do It Now

Well "they" say there is no time like the present, so I am posting the first blog on my new site. I am looking forward to this because I like sharing with other people. I also enjoy learning about others and what they believe. This contributes to my personal growth. As painful as that may be sometimes I still enjoy it. Usually it all turns out for the best in one way or another.

Humor is a key element in growth and I believe that it is the more enjoyable way on the path I am taking. Sometimes I get much to serious, but thats ok as long as I don't stay there forever. Feel free to share with me your insites and places you have been in life, because I will be sharing with you. I may not always agree with people but I am willing to listen and explore new ideas and thoughts. I am not always right, people make mistakes and last time I checked I was one of those people.

I feel that by doing this blog that I am making a giant leap in the growth of my esteem and worth and that it will be very worthwhile to me. Sharing what I have learned and how life is changing day to day gives me the opportunity to progress even further. The topics will be varied, change, responibility, emotional issues etc... I will do my best to keep it varied so no one gets bored.

With that said I hope everyone that reads this has the best possible day they can...