Sunday, October 5, 2008
Well it's midnight, and I love sitting in the dark and quietness. There is a peace to the darkness that, as a child I could not have accepted. Even more, it would have frightened me. Today, it brings me solitude. It's like being enveloped in the hands of the universe, and I love it.
When I was a child you could not have convinced me for nothing that the darkness, along with many other things, was a positive event. Darkness, like so many other things, often hide mysteries. That is how my live has always been. So many things happening that I could not, and do not, understand. Forever trying to understand things, analyze things. This is very difficult to understand when you are actually in the darkness and not standing outside of it.
In 1989 I met the most truly amazing man ever. I did not expect it. Roy, my husband (who passed away 6 years after our first meeting) was the most remarkable person ever. I found in amazing that this man could love me. With some most dreadful personal and character defects ever. We knew we loved each other from the first moment. Yet I waited, day after day, for him to say to me he couldn't do it. That it was fun, but thanks a lot. But that is not what happened.
See, my faults were not what I thought they were. He saw that, he loved me just the way I was, defects and all. He taught me over time how I was actually lovable. Which I never thought I was, ever. At first this incredible guy just let me be. Then he actually encouraged me to be me. That was odd. I was going to his absolutely loving man and his families, gatherings. I kept waiting for fights to break out, after all that was what I was brought up in, but it never happened.
This continued for quite some time. When you have been brought up in a hectic lifestyle you begin to think everyone lives like that. But they don't, some people live very loving life styles. How does a person deal with happiness when they don't know what it really is? Taking risks that's how. I took the risk to find out. Sure it's scary, down right frightful at times. But part of the risk was worth it, the sad part was he died just years later, after he taught me so very much.
I think it all had a very important purpose. I think I was taught this to share with others that under estimate themselves. People who think they don't deserve true goodness. People who think they have to have chaos in their lives to feel ok. Those who feel they still need to punish themselves for something. But the truth is that all of us deserve to be loved, but we don't accept it. Many people,( I did this), push it away.
I am a normal person, who deserves to be loved. You deserve love too.... There is not a special person that deserves love, we all should be loved, and loving. Man has confused love, with their wants. I don't want a whole lot... well that's not true, I want lots of 'things'. But my serenity is not dependent upon getting any of it. My serenity is dependent on my acceptance of living life on it's terms.
So I am going to sit in the darkness, and accept what comes my way. And whatever comes I will enjoy it, and deal with it, and be ok. No Matter What.. I may not like it at first... but hey no one ever promised me a rose garden.