Friday, October 10, 2008

I Love You... But...

Well two posts in one day.. that is a miracle in it's self, but growth requires movement and when movement happens the more posts would probably happen right??? Well today is a day of change and growth for me... and it's reminded me of things long forgotten... so whether it is painful or not the tools of the trade will surface. The things I have learned are important to me, and I like sharing them with all that choose to read them.

One of the things that just came to mind, just a few moments ago, was something I figured out a very long time ago. I am sure that some will disagree with me, but that's ok, cause I only have to live my life, not theirs. It was the 'I love you.. but..' game. I shall explain how that works, it really is quite simple. It wraps around the unconditional love syndrome.

To me there is no such thing as unconditional love, because simply love is unconditional. You either love someone or you don't. It's that simple. Once you say 'but...' it erases the I love you. It set conditions upon what are saying. You cannot love, but.... it doesn't work. If you have a child, and you say, 'I love you but you need to blah blah blah..' you have just told your child that you will love them if they only do or be whatever it is.

Love is equal to everyone. It's all the same, the only difference is how involved, and in what way you are involved with the person you are talking to. Once you say 'I love you but..' it becomes a conditional game. Oh just because you choose to have limits in your life doesn't make it wrong, or doesn't change the fact that you love a person or not. It does however make the situation different than just loving a person.

'I love you... but you need to lose weight', 'I love you but... you should wear dresses', 'I love you.. but...', well either you love someone or not. The other stuff is just that stuff. I am not going to my death bed thinking I could have loved you, or loved you better, had you cleaned your room or whatever. I will just love you, period. My love for my sons will never change no matter what they do. I may not like that they don't clean their apartment the way I would like, but I love them none the less.

So in thinking this, and why it came about, I had forgotten that No Matter What, means exactly that. It still amazes me to this day that when my husband was dying of cancer, how many women said they would have left their husbands had they been in the same situation. That profoundly amazed me. How many people would leave their mates had something happened to them, such as a car wreck, a disfigurement, an illness or whatever.

What happens when someone that is rich due to the stock market loses their money?? Does that person suddenly become worth less as a human being? A lot of women use men for their money... so who is really worth the lessor in the two?? Is it the husband who gave his all, or the woman who believes she is worth more than a poor man, but only if she has a 10 carat diamond.. which leads me to a whole other topic...

Self Deception

You know, for about 7 seconds in life I thought I was ok, really ok. In my brain I know I am ok, then wham.. up side my head... smacked with all the hopes and dreams I thought I had. Life has a way of doing that to people. I think I should go ahead and move up to the top of a mountain and watch the sun set, and the stars sparkle.

When a person graduates high school they have the rest of their lives in front of them. They see the world as a place to explore. I was so busy trying to survive my childhood that I didn't dare go there. I use to think that the world was a ocean of people that were successful in life. But I found out different, the world is filled with people doing the best they can, with what they got. Most people are not successful, they are too busy trying to survive.

People are so busy trying to get something they don't have that they don't see what they do have. So while jogging through life they miss the whole point. We think that the next thing will fix our lives. We go through school thinking when I am finished it will be good. Then we get the job and think when I get the promotion it will be good, then we get married and have children and think we have it. But the kids get wild, and we think, when they graduate. Then we think when we retire, it will be good. During all these things, and more, we continually are thinking about the next thing that will fix it. Till we get to death, and we are laying on the death bed thinking, I wish I had enjoyed my life more, I wish I had made different decisions, better choices.

While walking in the trees within the wind today, I wanted to be nowhere else. It was wonderful. I was with the man I love, and I wanted nothing else. It was all good. I felt happy, healthy, serene. Then smack, right up side my head. It all left.. oh not the breeze, not the trees, but my serenity went out the window. I think sometimes I have to quit hoping for good in my life. But if I give up hope, what is left but just mere existence. I have to hope for the good, or their just isn't a point in anything. It's all about growth and change, and not being afraid.

I have a heart full of love.