Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Matrix

In the movie the Matrix, Neo the main character is given a choice. To take the blue pill or the red pill. One will leave him in his safe known life. The other will take him to places, and a world, of the unknown. Neo takes the chance.

Life is like the two pills every single day. We make choices all time, every moment of every day. Just opening our eyes is a choice. The difference between the two pills is very obvious, do the same or do something different. If you are unhappy with your life, well then, why are you making the same choices... take the other pill.

Not unlike Neo, at first it will be scary, unknown, and it can be frightful. But what do we get when we do the same things over and over?? Well we get the same things. If you live inside a box, and never go out, then how the heck do you know what is out there? Neo found the love of his life, and a world of unknown power that he didn't know he had, once he took the pill of uncertainty. Sure he had problems, everyone has problems. But if you noticed by the end of the first movie, he had figured out how to deal this them. All the time, remaining outside the box.

Because we all change in some way, why not make it the choices we really want. The problem being we can only go by what we know, and most of us have had enough pain that we don't trust ourselves or anything else anymore. We have forgotten how to listen to our instincts. I make more good and fun mistakes than anyone I know... and it's all cause I am willing to take the risk.

Life is a blast... but we don't know that unless we take the chance and tour it in the unknown places.

Life is so Radically Cool...

Some days I wonder about this thing called life... changes.. changes.. changes... and most all of them within my control... Wow... It's the same for each and every one of you out their in the world!!

I am reading an awesome book that has me in a constant state of revelation right now, it is truly wicked. Of course every book that I read I tend to think everyone should read. Especially if it leave a huge impact on me. The book I am reading is called 'How I Found Freedom in a Unfree World'. Just wicked, I am sure I will write lots about it, as I am learning tons from it. Unfortunately the author is dead now or I would be writing him and thank him for all the massive insights that he put in it.

Right now I am in a part that compares our problems and life choices to boxes. These are boxes that we choose to keep or not keep. And what is the price we are willing to pay to get out of the box, yes they are all boxes and we are in them. The interesting part is what are we willing to pay to get out of the box. Everything, EVERYTHING costs something. We can choose to stay in the box or get out. But the only thing keeping us in the box is us.

So I am thinking this, that our emotions also are boxes. We get comfortable in the boxes and no matter how miserable we are, often, we choose to stay their anyways. I for one do not like the box. I am so out of the box it can be down scary to some people. Well golly gee Gomer, ya gotta be kidding... hahahaaaaaaaaaaaa

So what happens when someone else tries to put us in a box, or they just throw us in one. Well dang, we can still choose to get out. No matter how bad it is a person can change it.

Then there is a trick box. It's a box beside a box. The box your in may be uncomfortable. and the box next to can be the greatest in the world. But out of fear we stay in the yucky box, looking at the other, and really wondering if it is as good as it looks. The truth is neither box is good or bad, they will make you grow one way or another. It's just choosing which box to be in.

Friday, October 10, 2008

I Love You... But...

Well two posts in one day.. that is a miracle in it's self, but growth requires movement and when movement happens the more posts would probably happen right??? Well today is a day of change and growth for me... and it's reminded me of things long forgotten... so whether it is painful or not the tools of the trade will surface. The things I have learned are important to me, and I like sharing them with all that choose to read them.

One of the things that just came to mind, just a few moments ago, was something I figured out a very long time ago. I am sure that some will disagree with me, but that's ok, cause I only have to live my life, not theirs. It was the 'I love you.. but..' game. I shall explain how that works, it really is quite simple. It wraps around the unconditional love syndrome.

To me there is no such thing as unconditional love, because simply love is unconditional. You either love someone or you don't. It's that simple. Once you say 'but...' it erases the I love you. It set conditions upon what are saying. You cannot love, but.... it doesn't work. If you have a child, and you say, 'I love you but you need to blah blah blah..' you have just told your child that you will love them if they only do or be whatever it is.

Love is equal to everyone. It's all the same, the only difference is how involved, and in what way you are involved with the person you are talking to. Once you say 'I love you but..' it becomes a conditional game. Oh just because you choose to have limits in your life doesn't make it wrong, or doesn't change the fact that you love a person or not. It does however make the situation different than just loving a person.

'I love you... but you need to lose weight', 'I love you but... you should wear dresses', 'I love you.. but...', well either you love someone or not. The other stuff is just that stuff. I am not going to my death bed thinking I could have loved you, or loved you better, had you cleaned your room or whatever. I will just love you, period. My love for my sons will never change no matter what they do. I may not like that they don't clean their apartment the way I would like, but I love them none the less.

So in thinking this, and why it came about, I had forgotten that No Matter What, means exactly that. It still amazes me to this day that when my husband was dying of cancer, how many women said they would have left their husbands had they been in the same situation. That profoundly amazed me. How many people would leave their mates had something happened to them, such as a car wreck, a disfigurement, an illness or whatever.

What happens when someone that is rich due to the stock market loses their money?? Does that person suddenly become worth less as a human being? A lot of women use men for their money... so who is really worth the lessor in the two?? Is it the husband who gave his all, or the woman who believes she is worth more than a poor man, but only if she has a 10 carat diamond.. which leads me to a whole other topic...

Self Deception

You know, for about 7 seconds in life I thought I was ok, really ok. In my brain I know I am ok, then wham.. up side my head... smacked with all the hopes and dreams I thought I had. Life has a way of doing that to people. I think I should go ahead and move up to the top of a mountain and watch the sun set, and the stars sparkle.

When a person graduates high school they have the rest of their lives in front of them. They see the world as a place to explore. I was so busy trying to survive my childhood that I didn't dare go there. I use to think that the world was a ocean of people that were successful in life. But I found out different, the world is filled with people doing the best they can, with what they got. Most people are not successful, they are too busy trying to survive.

People are so busy trying to get something they don't have that they don't see what they do have. So while jogging through life they miss the whole point. We think that the next thing will fix our lives. We go through school thinking when I am finished it will be good. Then we get the job and think when I get the promotion it will be good, then we get married and have children and think we have it. But the kids get wild, and we think, when they graduate. Then we think when we retire, it will be good. During all these things, and more, we continually are thinking about the next thing that will fix it. Till we get to death, and we are laying on the death bed thinking, I wish I had enjoyed my life more, I wish I had made different decisions, better choices.

While walking in the trees within the wind today, I wanted to be nowhere else. It was wonderful. I was with the man I love, and I wanted nothing else. It was all good. I felt happy, healthy, serene. Then smack, right up side my head. It all left.. oh not the breeze, not the trees, but my serenity went out the window. I think sometimes I have to quit hoping for good in my life. But if I give up hope, what is left but just mere existence. I have to hope for the good, or their just isn't a point in anything. It's all about growth and change, and not being afraid.

I have a heart full of love.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Dinner and a Sales Pitch...

I went to one of those meetings tonight where they try to talk you into joining some kind of marketing scam. The lure you in with a promise of dinner and MP3 players. I had not ever been to one of these before, although I have been to similar things in the past. I'd like to say it was entertaining, but it wasn't. It was however quite interesting.

I like to watch people and this provided me with that opportunity. The other people who were there were actually more entertaining than the speaker. Which doesn't say to much for the speaker. I am sure he did his best, but he reminded me more of a drill Sargent than a person trying to sell his wares. But all in all, it could have been worse.

I was with my most special man, and between the two of us I think we would have rather been curled up watching a movie. But every time I see a speaker such as this, I think that I should be speaking. Maybe a motivational speaker or something. I find it quite easy since I got over my fear of people, and thats been quite awhile ago. I like to help others grow and change. Thats what this blog is all about. Let grow and change.

I must say I was amazed how many people seemed to buy into the whole line he was selling though. Maybe it's because I spent so many years as a sales person. You know the saying, 'You can't con a con', that's how I felt tonight. It's part of the sales pitch. But I truly believe that if you want to sell something most people can tell if you are being genuine.

It may be a oxymoron but I was an honest salesman. That's the way it should be, but you just don't find it in the world anymore. Oh well eh?

Sunday, October 5, 2008

The Encircling Darkness

Well it's midnight, and I love sitting in the dark and quietness. There is a peace to the darkness that, as a child I could not have accepted. Even more, it would have frightened me. Today, it brings me solitude. It's like being enveloped in the hands of the universe, and I love it.

When I was a child you could not have convinced me for nothing that the darkness, along with many other things, was a positive event. Darkness, like so many other things, often hide mysteries. That is how my live has always been. So many things happening that I could not, and do not, understand. Forever trying to understand things, analyze things. This is very difficult to understand when you are actually in the darkness and not standing outside of it.

In 1989 I met the most truly amazing man ever. I did not expect it. Roy, my husband (who passed away 6 years after our first meeting) was the most remarkable person ever. I found in amazing that this man could love me. With some most dreadful personal and character defects ever. We knew we loved each other from the first moment. Yet I waited, day after day, for him to say to me he couldn't do it. That it was fun, but thanks a lot. But that is not what happened.

See, my faults were not what I thought they were. He saw that, he loved me just the way I was, defects and all. He taught me over time how I was actually lovable. Which I never thought I was, ever. At first this incredible guy just let me be. Then he actually encouraged me to be me. That was odd. I was going to his absolutely loving man and his families, gatherings. I kept waiting for fights to break out, after all that was what I was brought up in, but it never happened.

This continued for quite some time. When you have been brought up in a hectic lifestyle you begin to think everyone lives like that. But they don't, some people live very loving life styles. How does a person deal with happiness when they don't know what it really is? Taking risks that's how. I took the risk to find out. Sure it's scary, down right frightful at times. But part of the risk was worth it, the sad part was he died just years later, after he taught me so very much.

I think it all had a very important purpose. I think I was taught this to share with others that under estimate themselves. People who think they don't deserve true goodness. People who think they have to have chaos in their lives to feel ok. Those who feel they still need to punish themselves for something. But the truth is that all of us deserve to be loved, but we don't accept it. Many people,( I did this), push it away.

I am a normal person, who deserves to be loved. You deserve love too.... There is not a special person that deserves love, we all should be loved, and loving. Man has confused love, with their wants. I don't want a whole lot... well that's not true, I want lots of 'things'. But my serenity is not dependent upon getting any of it. My serenity is dependent on my acceptance of living life on it's terms.

So I am going to sit in the darkness, and accept what comes my way. And whatever comes I will enjoy it, and deal with it, and be ok. No Matter What.. I may not like it at first... but hey no one ever promised me a rose garden.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

No Matter What

So what does 'No Matter What' really mean?? I love you no matter what... hmm... well I know what it means to me. Whether a relationship works or not, I am still going to love you. I may not be able to live with you, but I will still love you.

My very special man, Bruce is his name, and I agree on this belief. You always love those you loved. But that doesn't mean that you are willing to live in an insufferable situation because of that. Love doesn't include martyrdom inside of a couples relationship. If I love you I want you to be happy. I want to be happy too. No matter what, means to me, that you can be you, always. In fact, the you that you are is who I was attracted to in the first place isn't it? Oh I may not know all your in's and out's but love doesn't mean that we have to like everything about each other. No matter what is just that... Come what may I am by your side.

When my husband Roy was sick with Leukemia I was next to him all the way. I was surprised how many people said they couldn't have done what I did. But I don't see how a mate couldn't be next to the one they love to their last breath. I have already informed Bruce, I am here, come what may. He is the nicest guy... He is spoiling me with affection and we are just getting started, and I am doing the best I can as well.

The other thing that is great is that we can, and have, talk about anything and everything. I am not afraid to speak to him. I am just gonna be me, I don't want to be anything else. Everything about him is impressing me to no end. Oh hey I am not stupid, I know we all have faults and shortcomings. In fact I probably have more than my share, but I don't feel that when his should surface that I will want to try to change him or them. I just want to accept him the way he is, let him live his life, just like I want to live mine.

The nice thing is, I have a very special man to share my life with now. I honestly didn't think it would be arriving again in my life. So this is very exciting to me. He is handsome, intelligent, talkative, spiritual, and incredibly sexy... that always helps... Having an open mind and willing to chat is what growth is about, and that dear friends is what my life is about. Growth and change, and if anything will excel that, it is an intimate relationship. Today is a good day, and I will love you all... No Matter What...

Every Day A New Beginning...

Well life never ceases to amaze me. I've not been well lately and having been doing what I can to move forward. I had all but consigned myself to believing that, other than my sons, this journey called my life would be just me on my own. I had quit thinking that anyone else would come along that I could enjoy or would enjoy life together with me.

Oh it's not cause I don't think I am worthy, not that at all. I have just had too many experiences with relationships that didn't work, due to lack of successful communications. So when I least expected, and I really, really wasn't looking, wham... Here this amazingly wonderful man shows up. Of course I was highly skeptical, really not believing that this could be a functional man. But because I am open minded, and willing to listen, I did just that.

By all appearances and conversations he seems to be just that. Though I haven't known him long, the screaming mi mi that I have in me isn't hollering RUN RUN.. not at all. That in itself is a surprise to me. But entering a relationship after years and years of not having one leaves me with a lot to question and learn. Not about him, but about life and myself.

I have discovered that the word Love is just that. It is a word that labels a feeling that I am having that no other word fits to. And there is a difference between loving someone and being in love. I do love him, and he has said the same to me. Even though he has tried to hold it back.

Saturday, August 9, 2008


Well back again,finally,again. I suppose I am slacking in a lot of areas other than just this blog. But I have been busy doing stuff. Then again I have been doing nothing. If that doesn't make sense it doesn't surprise me.

I have been working on learning Photoshop and all it's in's and outs. I am posting my first couple pieces of digital art here, so I can forever remember where I started. The thing that scares me about digital art is the fact that if the world every loses its electric, well then, the art is all gone.

The top two are cg and the bottom two are from a page in the coloring book I designed. Both, or all, of the examples show what different mediums can do. The bottom two being done in color pencil and the other in graphite and charcoal. I enjoy doing art in whatever medium I use. The new thing, the CG is strange. I spent about 10 hours working on it and ended up with hand cramps.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Life is the Movies, Without Popcorn

I missed posting anything yesterday, and I'd like to say I was busy, but I wasn't. I was resting and visiting with my oldest son (he came for a visit). It is always a pleasure for me when my sons come to visit me. The are so smart and wise way beyond their years. I wonder where they got it from... lol...

I watched a couple really strange movies yesterday. Strange in a not very good way. One was a Asian movie called "The Suicide Circle". Upon asking me why I would watch such a thing I would have to say curiosity got the best of me. The story itself was an interesting one. The making of the movie could have been better though. It was very strange indeed, not something I would watch twice, in fact I wouldn't have watched it once if I had know how bad it was really gonna be. I have included a clip of it that I found on youtube. I must warn you though it is really stupid and it's no wonder teens do dumb things if they watch movies like this.

I am a movie buff and enjoy the entertainment. I have a low tolerance for bad acting or weak story-lines. I am not into horror because usually it is pretty lame. I can't remember the last time I watched a movie that really frightened me, which is good. I guess once you start studying special effects and such, movies loose some of the drama. So it has to have a good storyline or I get distracted easily.

Life is like a movie. We all have our parts to play. We can change what part we want to play at any time. I myself have changed my part hundreds of times. Each part sends me into a new chapter of my life. But as I have aged I have found that playing the part in a drama is not for me. My life is more of a comedy/character study type movie now. The good thing about this realization is that now I can watch the movie you are playing in.

I have found that looking at life like this has helped me a great deal. Especially when it comes to anger. I don't have to carry stuff around from scene to scene. Once the scene is over it's over and replaying it only reminds me how badly I played my part. You know how it works, you scream, you cry, you pout... who wrote this into your play? Well honestly you did, and I did it in my life too. I am not saying it will never happen again, it's just I no longer want to play a part like that anymore.

"All the worlds a stage..." -- Shakespeare

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Positive Words to Each Other

I was just thinking how many verbal expressions we say that we don't even think about. Just off handed remarks that so many of then aren't even relative, or logical, or smart. Some of it is slang, and some of it is things we have been programmed to say. "Buzz off", "Bite Me", "Your breaking my back", "Go away", just to mention a couple so you know what I am talking about.

If I had know what I know now in life I would never had said anything about anything when it comes to breaking backs. I actually ended up with a broken back!! I honestly believe that what we say often will create itself in our lives. I have said one two many times, "Won't they just leave me alone", or "I need some alone time", and here I am alone, except for my computer. It's a good thing I like my alone time, there is no place like home.

I brought this up cause I see so many people living in negative situations. They are often created because verbally we put it out to the universe. The universe hears us and responds. You don't see to many people saying positive expression with as much energy that we put into the negative. It is more often said, "Everyone hates me" than "Everyone loves me".

We need to confirm and affirm the positive in our lives. Edify those around us. Create the world peace we so desperately proclaim that we want. If you can't quit fighting with friends and family, then how the heck are we gonna get the whole world to agree to not fight. We have to start somewhere and it might as well be in our homes. Which makes me ask, and have been for some time, "If peace is what we want then why are we fighting -- it...".

Will write more later...

Monday, June 16, 2008

A Sunny Day

Sunshine outside is nice, and today it is sun-shining here. Just as important is sunshine inside of my heart, mind, and soul. We all have our down moments but what we do with those moments is important. As an individual it is important for me to take responsibility for my actions, but also for my thoughts.

Global consciousness says that we are to act in a certain way. When most things end we are suppose to be mad, angry, or some other negative emotion. This is to no one persons fault, it comes after a lifetime of conditioning from many sources. This conditioning shows up in every aspect of our lives. To change these behaviors and ways of thinking take a lot of courage, especially if you have never spoken up. The world tends to discourage independence while at the same time telling you that you to be independent.

Part of what I see in the world, and what I have experienced in my own life, is what they are now (in 2008) terming as"Dumbing Down". You will see me use this term a lot in my blog. I cannot generalize this term, it is to complex, but it has a lot to do with letting other people control our lives. I realized that the ultimate dumbing down of me was to let others run my life and as long as I let myself get upset, in any way, by any one, "They" had control.

The same works for happiness. No one can make me happy except me. Oh, I may be happier if I am with you, and I may be happier if situations improve, but it is my mind that the choice is made. When I laugh it is because I am entertained,that is why I can be happy watching a comedian, or when my sons do something silly. Some people search for happiness in the strangest places.

Have you ever had the uncontrollable urge to laugh when you weren't suppose to??? I have and it can be quite a disaster. You are not suppose to laugh in some situations, but everyone has their moments. Which was a horrible moment for the fellow in the video below.

Many people don't want the responsibility for the situations they are in. It always seems easier to blame someone else. I did this for a long time. In fact just a few years ago I quit referring to my childhood because I realized that by continually bringing it up I was blocking myself from going forward. I do want to be the beast me I can.

Now at first hand this may seem silly, but it's not. When trying to change people get upset, and I don't mean the person that is changing. It is the world around them. People will try to guilt you, or put fear in you to stop you from changing. They are use to you the way you are. I cannot even begin to tell you how many people in my life that accused me of stupidity, selfishness, insanity, all because I wanted a better life. People directly attacked me. Now that I speak up for myself it doesn't happen. Behaviors speak volumes and the people in my life now know that they can't get away with it.

The core of me now stems from me, not how anyone wants me to be. As a result I am stronger. It has taken a lot of work. I have learned to laugh at myself, because honestly some things are just worth laughing at. This again I had to learn. I use to get upset when someone would do something that I thought was a insult, and it may have well been, BUT what I chose to do with it. So what I have learned is everyone has their opinion and I don't have to get upset by that. It doesn't mean I have to like it but I can accept that now.

Do It Now

Well "they" say there is no time like the present, so I am posting the first blog on my new site. I am looking forward to this because I like sharing with other people. I also enjoy learning about others and what they believe. This contributes to my personal growth. As painful as that may be sometimes I still enjoy it. Usually it all turns out for the best in one way or another.

Humor is a key element in growth and I believe that it is the more enjoyable way on the path I am taking. Sometimes I get much to serious, but thats ok as long as I don't stay there forever. Feel free to share with me your insites and places you have been in life, because I will be sharing with you. I may not always agree with people but I am willing to listen and explore new ideas and thoughts. I am not always right, people make mistakes and last time I checked I was one of those people.

I feel that by doing this blog that I am making a giant leap in the growth of my esteem and worth and that it will be very worthwhile to me. Sharing what I have learned and how life is changing day to day gives me the opportunity to progress even further. The topics will be varied, change, responibility, emotional issues etc... I will do my best to keep it varied so no one gets bored.

With that said I hope everyone that reads this has the best possible day they can...