Friday, October 10, 2008

Self Deception

You know, for about 7 seconds in life I thought I was ok, really ok. In my brain I know I am ok, then wham.. up side my head... smacked with all the hopes and dreams I thought I had. Life has a way of doing that to people. I think I should go ahead and move up to the top of a mountain and watch the sun set, and the stars sparkle.

When a person graduates high school they have the rest of their lives in front of them. They see the world as a place to explore. I was so busy trying to survive my childhood that I didn't dare go there. I use to think that the world was a ocean of people that were successful in life. But I found out different, the world is filled with people doing the best they can, with what they got. Most people are not successful, they are too busy trying to survive.

People are so busy trying to get something they don't have that they don't see what they do have. So while jogging through life they miss the whole point. We think that the next thing will fix our lives. We go through school thinking when I am finished it will be good. Then we get the job and think when I get the promotion it will be good, then we get married and have children and think we have it. But the kids get wild, and we think, when they graduate. Then we think when we retire, it will be good. During all these things, and more, we continually are thinking about the next thing that will fix it. Till we get to death, and we are laying on the death bed thinking, I wish I had enjoyed my life more, I wish I had made different decisions, better choices.

While walking in the trees within the wind today, I wanted to be nowhere else. It was wonderful. I was with the man I love, and I wanted nothing else. It was all good. I felt happy, healthy, serene. Then smack, right up side my head. It all left.. oh not the breeze, not the trees, but my serenity went out the window. I think sometimes I have to quit hoping for good in my life. But if I give up hope, what is left but just mere existence. I have to hope for the good, or their just isn't a point in anything. It's all about growth and change, and not being afraid.

I have a heart full of love.

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